This Whole Apple Tablet Thing...or maybe not

Apple. The one company in the world that could market a battery powered torch and sell millions. Of course, an Apple torch would be like no other torch before. It would be crafted from a single block of aluminium, use only the best LEDs for lighting, and then it would doubtless be called iTorch. Oh, the battery would be non-removable, completely defeating the point of a battery-powered torch, and instead of a button to turn it on and off, there would be a touch-sensitive surface that would drive you past the point of insanity on the first day of ownership, but that doesn't matter because it's made by Apple and it looks beautiful. And, because it's an Apple product, every other torch that is ever made for the rest of eternity will automatically become a rip-off of the iTorch, and the true Apple fanboys will argue this to the death, not considering the reality that they are trying to defend what can only be described as A FUCKING TORCH. Or maybe that's the Fleshlight, but let's just leave that one alone.

The whole point of the preceding analogy is not so much of an introduction to my thoughts on the not-yet-announced-but-definitely-going-to-happen Apple Tablet, as it is a completely accurate presentation of my opinion of the typical Apple fan, the only type of person who would ignore all conclusive evidence that shooting people with guns will kill them if Steve Jobs said otherwise. Even if said Apple fan had just been introduced to my good friend Mr. AK-47, he would still argue to his death (see what I did there) that it was not the gun that killed him, but rather the single fraction of a nanosecond before he was shot in which he wasn't praying to the all-powerful iDeity.

Apple make good products. I know they do. But seriously, people, Apple did not invent multitouch. Or the all-in-one computer. Or the touchscreen phone. Or the virtual keyboard. They just did them well. So why, whenever there's an Engadget piece about a new all-in-one computer, does someone always comment 'iMac Clone'? Why, when there was an Engadget piece on the Dell Zino HD, did the comments section fill up with 'Mac Mini clone' or 'Rips off Apple' or 'Apple did it first'?

I mean, when Engadget (I'm really picking Engadget out on this, aren't I? Maybe there's a reason for that) did an article on the Motorola Backflip's advert of all things, (Google it if you don't know) someone commented, and I quote: "Another I-phone clone !!" and promptly got ranked waaaaaaaay down. Check out the article itself to see the complete flame war that resulted from that comment. It proves that Apple fanboys cannot be beaten, and do not even briefly accept that Apple did not invent the entire planet Earth. Fucking unbelievable.

I haven't even talked about the Tablet yet...have I...

I'll leave that one for another day. But what I will say (briefly) is that if I could have 10p for every comment on Engadget, Gizmodo, etc. in every article for every new tablet computer that is released after the Apple Tablet that follows the pattern "Apple did it first" or "Apple Tablet clone" or "Fucking rip-off of Apple", I would soon be able to pay for all four years of my University degree and still have enough money left over to buy my mother that Lamboghini she's always wanted.

You know that it's true.